I am torn. Do I follow canon or do I make an AU, kill off everyone in the beginning, and start the complete take over and infection of every living thing? Both are so tempting, and I want to see where I’d be able to take it with both circumstances. Haha. So many choices, so little time.
I sit next to a popular sports boy in my math class and he was sleeping so i leaned over and doodled a flower on his paper and the first time he didn’t wake up but the second time he did & smiled at me and later in class i saw he had doodled a whole tiny meadow around the 2 flowers and he was trying to hide it but it didn’t work..i know ur secret popular sports boy, u are just as dorky & cute as everyone else
Am I really too nice? For the first time in my life I was scolded for being too nice. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel about that, but I do know that I have to change somehow. How, I don’t know, but I need to.
I don’t know where I’m going with this blog but it certainly portarys me: aimless, unenthusiastic, haphazard, unstructured, and meh.
On another note, I also don’t know where I’m going with my life. I accomplish my academic requirements and most of my social duties but is that enough? I don’t have a clear ambition for the future nor do I make the effort to change it. I mean, there are several things that I’m interested in but those just make me feel like I’m covering for something that I severly lack. Is it because I find it difficult to feel deep emotions, to feel alive, that I can’t feel completely content in my life, constantly searchin for that one thing that could fill this emptiness that I feel? Is it because I subconsciously prevent myself from feeling, always rationalizing and intellectualizing the situations that I find myself in? This is tiring. I want to change this part of me, but the things I’ve tried haven’t been successful. It’s so frustrating.
Or do I have to find my niche in the world, my passion in life? But even finding such a thing is bleak at best for me. I fear that when this life ends I won’t be able to say that I’ve lived it to the fullest, that it was a worthwhile existence, that I made a positive and productive impact on the world, that I helped those whom I could, that I left a legacy for those who’d come after me. In all honesty, I fear death. Why? Because it feels like I should be using my time for something more important instead of just leading a plain and extremely normal day-to-day existence. It’s also saddening to see that most of my generation is caught up in themselves.
I don’t know, really. It just feels like I’m not living a worthwhile existence and, after all this time, everything that I’ve ever busied myself with has been a distraction and deterrent from pondering on what’s supposed to be important.
That moment when you’re listening to the first .flac files you’ve gotten your hands on and you just shiver and dither, quiver and quaver, and tremble and flutter in pleasure. I can’t remember a time when I’ve had a physical manifestation as strong as this. Ah, this is bliss.
Ever since my head started to be filled with my studies in Psychology and stuff I haven’t been able to look at good deeds the same. Always thinking about whether I really wanted to help them or if there’s an intrinsic reward or if it’s because it’s the socially acceptable thing to do or because I have an ulterior motive somewhere in my subconscious. It’s frightening, I think, that I could no longer accept things at face value, always trying to find the reason for one thing or another. It’s frightening, I think, that the more I learn about myself, the more I come to understand that I know so little of myself. That the me that I know is just the surface and that the me that’s beneath is shrouded in darkness. And if I look too long that I find myself sinking. Deeper and deeper and deeper. I feel like everything would just cave in and my existence would burst at the seams.